This is a poem I penned (in real life) for my class to perform as part of a Christmas fairy tale bonanza. FYI: My alter ego is a primary school teacher...I thought I'd lost this forever but the then student teacher I had under my wing ingeniously saved a copy for her file - she helped with a few lines here and there after all!
In the land of tales tall,
There sat an egg upon a wall,
The local people called him Humpty,
If truth be told, he was a numpty.
All day upon his wall he sat,
Laughing lots and getting fat.
People walking past would mutter,
“He’d be nice with bread and butter...”
On Christmas Eve disaster struck:
The wheels fell off the Tesco truck.
The Christmas plans turned upside down,
The King sat on his throne with frown.
“Without my Royal Roasted Turkey,
The Yuletide feast is looking quirky.
Listen, I have a cunning plan -
I want to eat this eggy man!
All I need’s a little joke,
Then I will have his mighty yolk!
Bring me the royal man of jest,
For we must have his very best!”
The jester toiled all through the night
Trying to make the joke just right
To make poor Humpty Dumpty fall
Down from his perch upon the wall.
The sun come up, the rooster crowed,
The jester set off down the road.
“Good morrow, sir!” the jester cried
“Good day!” the giant egg replied.
“Yuletide greetings from the King
And every man and horse I bring!”
“Why thank you!” Humpty Dumpty beamed
Not knowing things weren’t as they seemed.
“We’d like to share some jokes with you!”
“Brilliant! Oh yes! Please do!”
Trying to hide his sneaky smirk
The jester got straight down to work.
[Why did the chicken cross the road? To get...]
The first attempt made Humpty grin
But no laugh came from within.
[What did the Spanish farmer say to his hens? Oh lay!]
The second joke produced a chuckle
But Humpty bumpty did not buckle.
[Why don't French people eat two eggs for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf!]
The next one made him laugh a bit
But on the wall he still did sit.
“Oh dearl Oh dear!” the jester thought
“That’s almost all the jokes I brought.”
“If I don’t make this egg fall down,
The king will kick me out of town!”
“Is that it?” Humpty D enquired
“Of your poor jokes, I’m rather tired!”
The jester had just one more crack
To get it right or get the sack.
He heard a voice inside his head
“What on earth you doing Fred?
Trying to amuse an egg?
Just get up there and pull his leg!”
With lightning speed he leapt up high
And in the blinking of an eye,
He grabbed poor Humpty by the toe
And tugged him to the ground below.
As Humpty fell he heard the sound
Of soldiers footsteps on the ground.
Fast towards the wall they ran
And caught him in a frying pan.
He landed in it with crack!
The soldiers they did hurry back
Towards the palace, with no regret
To make a giant om-e-lette.
The King, his men and all his horses,
Ate Humpty in two dozen courses.
And as the party fizzled out,
Above the din they heard a shout.
“Excuse me, if I may intrude,
I’m looking for some ‘Humpty’ dude.
It says he lives out on that wall
But I can’t find him there at all!”
“Humpty? Yes I remember him
Lovely chap but rather dim!
I think you need to talk to Jester,
Because it’s time for my siesta.”
“Can you give it to the fella?
It says ‘ere he’s got salmonella!
Well anyway, I’ve got to go,
I can’t stand here all day you know!”
And off he went to do his round
The King’s jaw dropped right to the ground.
But no-one died there that December,
Coz this is la-Ia land, remember?
Instead, the kingdom rang with laughter
And all lived happ’ly ever after.
Much better than the Nursery Rhyme !!
